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Bloomer & Keogh Investigate spacer Issue 4
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate
Guinea Pigs are Delicious
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Pets are the flowers in our lives and of the animal world, bringing dogs such as Pomeranians into existence, the Chrysanthemums of the dog world. Look at the state of that lawn, those daisies are coming up again. Get another dose of weed killer, they'll take over given half a chance and that moss is keeping me awake at night. I bought a cat once called Minimanu, off an enthusiastic indoor horticulturist. He grew cats and weed. Minimanu's tail was nearly as fat as she was and looked sort of the same as the buds. His flat smelt weird. Minimanu was the most beautiful cat in the world devoting morning, noon and night to looking beautiful. Not gifted with the brains but had enough sense not to eat hedgehogs. Eddie Cole the hedgehog sometimes lived under the couch. He loved slugs and turned out not to be a bloke after all. He made slugs look like the loveliest thing in the world to eat, leading me astray. It took me about half an hour scraping the slime out of me mouth with a spoon. They didn't taste like chicken. We threw the cat out of the house one Christmas for dragging a half dead bird into the house as a present. 'Bad cat, get out.' She must of left very disillusioned when she saw we were eating a bird the size of a space hopper. I don't know how many wood lice we have because they keep themselves to themselves.
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Poor old chickens. Things are not going well for them. Same as cod and tuna. They're not very clever or beautiful but taste nice. It's not a C.V. that offers up great opportunities for the future. Dolphin Pie is immoral because they look like they're smiling and appear to be very intelligent and social creatures. These are all factors which define what we should and shouldn't eat. This is bad news if you've run out of food up a snowy mountain after a plane crash and you're the sort of person who falls down holes and steps on dog shit. In such eventualities it would be beneficial to start learning tricks and grow beautiful hair.
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Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - Guinea Pigs are Delicious
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In a survival situation in the wilderness I would probably quickly resort to eating the easiest things. It's hard to tell unless it happened.
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I was sitting by a river once watching water voles building their nest. They must build their nests under ground with an under water entrance security feature because they were taking loads of leaves and branches and stuff under water near the river bank. They were so devoted, not even flinching or slowing down when a goose stand off started only a couple of feet away. The only thing that temporarily deterred them was when the ducks came along for a night out, causing trouble as usual. 'Fuck off geese. Get out of our way, we're off to burn out a pedelo.' Then as if nothing had happened the voles continue their very important work. I was thinking, if it came down to it I could never eat the voles because they've got very important work to do, and those ducks really know how to live, so by default the geese would be the most likely candidates. So in this case variants other than what would be the easiest thing to catch are a factor. Pigeons are in abundance and taste like chicken but have learnt to publicly eat vomit, putting most people off. I wonder how many chicken sandwiches Rolf Harris has eaten in between takes of animal hospital. Most of his patients are popularly believed to taste like chicken.
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Thursday
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12:00:
Went to pet shop to buy guinea pigs. Recipe suggests two to three. 'What colour are you looking for? We have a good selection in at the moment'.
I'm not bothered about the colour and pick two good and fat ones.
'Do you need a cage?'
'No.'
'Do you need any feed?'
'No thanks, that's me.'
'Fair enough, take it easy and don't forget, plenty of greens.' A good point. The recipe suggests red onions but a bit of broccoli wouldn't do any harm.
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Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - Guinea Pigs are Delicious
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13:15:
Go to Paddy's shed to avoid making a mess of the kitchen. Chop their heads off, skin and gut them. Leave the shed with bloody hands to throw out bag of giblets.
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Get a friendly 'hows it go'n?' off one of the neighbours. Each man's shed is his kingdom. 'Not too bad thanks. Yourself?'
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13:45:
Leave the shed with prepared guinea pigs. Trying to think of a use for their hides, and head for Tesco's. Walk past a springier spaniel and imagine it with little chefs hats on its feet. There would be a lot more eating on it, a whole meal rather than just an hors d'oeuvre.
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Feel very bad.
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14:30:
Go to Tesco's with shopping list and guinea pigs wrapped in plastic, buy four red onions, a bunch of scallions, clove of garlic and mini tomatoes.
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Spare a thought for all the other things wrapped in plastic as I pass the meat section.
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15:10:
Make up marinade from water, oil, garlic, onions, scallions, chilli sauce, salt and pepper and rub well in.
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Needs to marinade overnight. There's not much eating in them with all their fluff off. Twelve pounds each. I think the pet shop man saw me coming. Feel very bad so make a sausage sandwich safe in the knowledge that pigs aren't hurt by the sausage harvesting process.
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15:40:
Eat sausages and think about punching Kilroy in the face. Feel a lot better.
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Friday:
guinea pig agus chips
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Mr Keogh is in the kitchen with the oven gloves. I get busy setting the table, tidy up and put on smart clothes as we are expecting guests.
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There is a pleasant smell emanating from the kitchen. I recall that due to a lack of Spanish and unfortunate positioning of his finger at the menu my brother was served guinea pig in Peru, battered and deep fried complete with head and fur.
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The only other member of my family to eat a domestic rodent was Nibs the Jack Russell who ate the same hamster twice, in the way you could the Blue Peter dog.
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Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - Guinea Pigs are Delicious
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Dinner's nearly ready and where is our guest? Whatever could have held them up? At least they could have phoned, Nicky put a lot of effort in to getting this meal just right and he'll be hurt if they don't turn up. It really is the height of bad manners. We'll have to dine without them.
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Eventually dinner is served. I am absolutely starving. These small but brave animals which have made the ultimate sacrifice in order to grace our dinner table do indeed taste like chicken (how original) but do not provide the same amount of nourishment. I wish this issue had been about elephants at least that way there would have been enough left over for sandwiches, the slaughter would have been more but we could keep the trunk and make soup.
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Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - Guinea Pigs are Delicious
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