spacer
Bloomer & Keogh Investigate spacer Issue 5
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate
International Food Tour
spacer
Wake up not feeling full of the joys of spring. Tea will fix that. Use a foreign tea bag and fresh localish pasteurised, homogenised, standardised milk. Feel multi cultural and turn on the T.V. Two pasteurised homogenised standardised gay men tell me how to make leaf shapes with P.V.A. glue. Turn over and Trisha makes me feel very unemployed. I'm joined by some springtime wildlife; one of them keeps trying to fly into my mouth so its time to leave the house.
spacer
Walk outside in my foreign socks under my foreign shoes beneath my foreign jeans. My foreign coat smells like stale chips. Good honest local Egyptian chips. Nearly get hit by a foreign car while noticing for the first time that my pointing finger doesn't fold up all the way, restricted by a foreign body. Probably glass. Busy antibodies will soon see to that. What service. The car stops on the street up ahead. The tarmac surface made from creatures of the sea. Long gone. Foreign to now and foreign to me. I hope that isn't what I think it is you dirty pigeon. There's walked-on monstermunch across the street. Your beaks going to fall of if you don't look after it.
spacer
Lunchtime Tuesday:
spacer
It's a sunny day and all's well, almost like holidays. If we had time we could do a culinary tour of the world without leaving Belfast. Thai, Malaysian, Scottish, Turkish, French, Greek, American, Killkeelian, Chinese, Japanese, look at these, Indian, Kashmerei, Italian, and Mexican. Round the world in a week or after diner mints of the world in a day. Like the Disney ride round the world in eight minutes only better. Due to the time restriction it will have to be a very concise tour of the world, starting with china.
spacer
The Dragon Palace:
spacer
I order barbeque ribs and Paddy orders deep fried prawns for starters. I win on quantity. Makes a dent on hunger things are looking up. We open a bottle of Gato Negro and discover the magic and mystery of South America. Corkage is free. Paddy eats his prawns with one breath and is ready to eat the table we eat everything including the decorative bits of orange. Paddy wins on the main course with some sort of mixed meat dish contain lots of prawns. We wonder if prawns come under the heading of meat. I start eating my deep fried strips of beef in honey and chilly sauce in tune to elevator music. The beef seems to hiding, more honey than chilly it tastes a bit like skittles. Tastes nice but there's only so much sweets one man can eat and I soon start to feel sick. I'm sure this food would be foreign in China. We finish quickly but the time is not a personal best. Wasn't too bad for about ten pounds each, fresh ingredients were reserved for decoration and natural flavours were kept to a minimum. Have to go home and lie down.
spacer
The next day it's another splendid day and we move swiftly on to India a land of many exotic flavours.
spacer
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - International Food Tour
spacer
The Mogul Botanic:
spacer
We are lured into the Mogul on Botanic by the lunch time Thali for £2.99, not much more than the price of a sandwich it's a bargain. Dave who runs the Mogul says it's to rival places like McDonalds. I wonder if that's his real name or do people just call him that because nobody can pronounce his name. I 'll have to ask some time. We walk through the doors and are greeted and shown to our seats beside a window stretching the full length of the restaurant overlooking the street bellow. We both order a super special Thali are served drinks then our food. The whole process from walking through the door takes five and a half minutes, without even a hint of a rush. The Thali is small portions of five different dishes pila rice and nan bread, the name comes from the segmented dish that is used. It's great for indecisive people. I don't feel in as much of a rush as usual because there's a good view, it's a relaxing place to be, there's a good atmosphere and you're made to feel welcome. The super special Thali is super smashing great and I leave with a tremendous sense of well being and am not hungry again untill after six O'clock.
spacer
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - International Food Tour
spacer
Friday:
spacer
Now to sample the culinary delights of America. Of to Mc Donalds we go. We both order things costing about the same as a super Thali. My veggie burger meal is ten pence cheaper than a super Thali. I get served in 6.40 minutes and Paddy gets served in 7.30 mins. We find plastic bolted to the floor chairs to sit on in 8.20 mins. The interior is decorated in the style of a hospital and smells like swimming pools. Paddy staying true to experiencing flavours of the world has ordered a chicken salsa flat bread, this is a big chicken nugget in uncooked pita in a fancy box, it tastes like a big chicken nugget in uncooked pita. I find out after drinking a lot of fanta that there is only disabled toilets. I am concerned that some of the employee's are suicidal.
spacer
spacer
Fuller describes the Dymaxion Map as a tool which provides the least distorted means of studying at one glance the total synergetic significance of air-ocean economics and the alternate strategies for integrating all phases and states of energy/ behaviour/resources toward operative advantage of all world people. Our aims were not so ambitious.
spacer
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - International Food Tour
spacer
I leave troubled hungry and dieing for a piss. We head straight across the road for Spuds (Shaftsbury square) to get something to eat. I order chicken curry and champ; Paddy orders peppered chicken and champ. We are served in 48 seconds. For £2,80 we get almost more than we can eat. It fills a hole and we give it the thumbs up.
spacer
Monday Malaysia:
spacer
Tstana Malaysian Restoran Great Victoria street I can't remember exactly what I ordered. I feel I ordered the wrong thing because it was very similar to food I have had from Chinese carryouts. We should have asked the girl serving us for advice on ordering something distinctly Malaysian. She did offer.
spacer
Starter and main Course 6 quid sounds promising but wee are the only people in the place Nicky orders an unpronounceable meal which turns out to be special fried rice. I win valuable points for the pungent fishy condiment perched on the side of my plate offensive to my taste buds but the most foreign thing I've ever tasted (apart from salted liquorice perhaps) its an ideal specimen for investigation but I am not so fond of fish and there's more eating in the special fried rice I conceal my envy.
spacer
Chinese food was once fabulously exotic but has become common place and probably watered down for our pasty palliate, although there are still some interesting looking things for sale in the Asia supermarket including unidentifiable parts of unidentifiable animals but sadly rumours of rat and seagull are greatly exaggerated.
spacer
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - International Food Tour
spacer
A friend captured a conger eel as a child, which was as long as himself, he took the advice of a passing adult and brought to a nearby Chinese restaurant where they would apparently pay top Dollar for this exquisite sea monster. he proudly presented his merchandise on the counter as customers looked on in amazement the proprietor chased him out of the shop and threw the conger out after him.
spacer
Try to go to Mexican restaurant, oh what's wrong, seems to be closed up maybe its just closed for lunch no that couldn't be right not to worry there's another one on the next street no its closed up as well Mexican food must have come on hard times maybe they got chased back to Dundalk by ill informed loyalists the Mongolian contingent has also left town I reflect on how some flavours of forigenians seem predisposed to particular type of accident, and recall that every time I here of a tourist being washed of the giants cause way by a freak wave they are as I remember always of a German disposition. Several tourists die every year at the cliffs of Moher as result of looking to far over the edge I wonder do they follow a similar pattern the tourist board dose not keep such statistics but they have apparently calculated the revenue lost due to Americans thinking that they might catch foot and mouth. After searching the Internet for information on such maters I can find only one suspected instance of accidental tourist death in the form of this cynical news bulletin. Search continues for German tourist.
spacer
The search for a missing tourist in Donegal continues today. The German tourist disappeared last week . while walking along the coast in Glencolmcille. The alarm was raised on Tuesday when she failed to return to her hostel. The cliffs in the area are some of the highest in Ireland.
spacer
Although there is noting in the article that confirms cause of death but I can see that the journalist shares my suspicion thus proving my hypothesis irrefutably The closest thing I can think of to Mexican is Chilli on champ from Spuds, a dish that the Inca's probably invented. Sitting in Spuds eating more chilly than even Jeff Capes could eat I realise that we could have saved time and money on our culinary journey of the world without leaving these familiar surroundings. With just a little imagination you can almost feel the sea breeze of Honolulu while enjoying a Hawaiian burger and chips. Experience foreignia without the risk of jelly fish and big insects. At the end of our investigations we are a lot more healthy and well fed than usual but still crave new and exotic tastes, an urge which has never been more difficult to satisfy and in the end will lead to eating poisonous plants and fire lighters.
spacer
Esperanto's is of no identifiable geographical origin, but they do as is customary in forigenia except euro which is a rarity in this town (at least any where you'd want to spend it) the exchange rate is approximately five euro to one donor on chip.
spacer
spacer
home | information | issues | artists & writers | columns | reviews
spacer