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The Vacuum - Issue 15 - God spacer The Vacuum - Issue 15 - God
Ruth Graham
by I Peed in Church
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I peed myself in the Lord's house when I was about 8 years old. It was in the Methodist Chapel in Girlsta, Shetland and I remember it as being grey and non-descript from the outside while the inside was more churchey in a pert red-carpeted way.
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It wasn't the church I usually went to we went to the Tingwall Kirk when Dad had a guilt trip and decided we should show our faces but on this occasion I was playing hymns on the violin with a group of six other children in the Methodist Chapel. It crossed my mind that I should have gone to the toilet but I could not find the right moment to ask Georgie Herculson (the organ player) if I could be excused. I hated asking to go to the toilet when I was young. I had a warped kind of shyness about me and I hated asking for anything in public. I thought I could hold on. I didn't think I could possibly pee myself in front of everybody on that red carpet.
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The urgency in my bladder increased. My bow was damp with sweat and I was gripping the neck of violin so hard that the string was cutting into my fingers. My face was red, I was in Hell and we had only played one hymn.
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'Please God don't let me pee please please please dear God don't let me pee oh please don't let me pee' was my desperate prayer. By now my bladder was painfully distended and although I couldn't admit it to myself, it was too late. A warm trickle began to leak down my leg and I could see a dark wet patch spreading out on the red carpet at my feet.
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Earnest faces from the congregation turned to look at me and there was one girl who pointed. I think it was Maureen Arthur although I have blanked out some of the painful details. She had short blonde curls and wore her summery dress very well. Everyone looked clean and in control of their lives and bladders. It's the girls that I remember: Alexis Arthur, Margery Robertson, Eva Herculson, Linda and Louise Hunter all saw me and there was nothing I could do about it. I think I denied that it was me but nobody believed that. I've hidden the rest of the morning in a safe place in my mind and can't remember what happened next.
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