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The Vacuum - Issue 16 - Satan spacer The Vacuum - Issue 16 - Satan
The Devil's Music
by Stuart Watson
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I suppose I should begin by confessing that as far as all this god/devil opposition goes I've got no time for it. I suspect that I can fail my way through the theatre of the absurd that is my enfeebled existence without leaning on the crutch of a con job doctrine seemingly exclusively designed to part me from my worldly pleasures, and of course finances, in the cruel hope that paradise in the hands of some bearded pervert who would have the children brought unto him (no not Hugo Duncan) is waiting at the blessed end of this nonsense. What gives the essential lie to this cowboy enterprise is the fact that even its perpetrators weren't confident that the promise of eternal life was enough to reel we poor deluded peasants into a lifetime of subservience. No, they found it necessary to try and scare us into it by inventing a kingdom of eternal torment that would swallow us if we continued to indulge in the things that made the torturous grind of existence even slightly tolerable: sex, drugs, heavy drinking, lying to small children, country line dancing and of course MUSIC. Which we are told is the tool of the lord of this realm, Satan Himself.
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I mightn't believe in all this didactic mumbo-jumbo but I flatter myself that I can recognise a half decent tune when I hear one and shove hot pokers up my anal passage (oh go on) if I haven't come to the conclusion, aided by years of empirical research, that the devil does indeed have all the best tunes. Although listening to missives from the more extreme wings of god's armies it would appear that the mark of Satan can be found in the most unlikely of places. Take for example the aforementioned country line dancing, famously described by one of our nation's foremost religious fanatics Dr Ian Paisley as being 'as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is an incitement to lust'. The only lust I've ever been incited to by country line dancing was the lust to make it stop, however Ian must possess some god-given insight lacking in a sinner such as myself and the thousands of other godless denizens of the depths who enjoy it. I can almost feel the heavenly gobs of spittle sizzle on my sinful face as he works himself up into his trademark apoplectic frenzy. I wonder if the good doctor has ever been made aware of Al Jourgensen of Ministry's country side project Buck Satan & The 666 Shooters; a band so evil they never actually released any records.
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In defence of Beelzebub and his record collection there is also the Issue of the essential wrongness of Christian rock or pop; I can imagine little more likely to send impressionable youth running into the consoling arms of Satan than the sight of confirmed Christian and alleged child pornography enthusiast R Kelly singing the praises of his lord before he heads down the local schoolyard with a digital camera and a bag of boiled sweets. One thing would also appear to unite the Backstreet Boys, Boyz II Men (surely a duet with R Kelly cannot be far away) and MC Hammer apart from failed careers and religious belief: the fact that their music is unutterable mince. Coincidence? Or is it the fact that employing forms of music more commonly used to express the joy of all those unchristian but somehow transcendent activities mentioned above to promote a capitalist dogma of domination and enslavement simply stinks of the pustulent soul that lies behind it. At least the sentinels of Satan don't lie: they want us in Hell, we're all going there anyway and if we can enjoy ourselves on the way all the better. And as far as music goes, the mark of the devil is surely the mark of a quality tune.
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I defy anyone to find a piece of Christian rock or pop that can provide a greater sense of joy or sheer adrenaline rush as to be found in any track on Slayer's black masterpiece 'Reign In Blood'; from the opening holocaust frenzy of 'Angel Of Death' to the demonic crack of thunder closing 'Raining Blood' there can surely be no greater example of the transcendent nature of music. It would appear, however, that in later years the group have committed the ultimate sin of bad faith and turned their backs on the left hand path; heavy was my black little heart on the day I discovered that the group were to espouse a more overtly Christian viewpoint, albeit taking a rather Old Testament line. Alas the music indeed suffered, almost as much as my poor ears did upon hearing their last album 'God Hates Us All'. I can do no better in summing up the disappointment I felt than quote a pithy online review by Aquarius Records of said album: 'God hates us all, and has decided to punish us with probably the worst Slayer record ever'.
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Unfortunately Slayer are not alone in proving that in music devil = good and god = something that you wouldn't give your grandmother for Christmas for fear that she would hurl it back in your pasty face screaming for something a bit more 'evil' as her head rotates on her neck. Nick Cave, who with The Birthday Party produced a fine unholy racket and once proclaimed that 'if this is Heaven I'm bailing out', now appears to have found peace and comfort in his renewed faith. Well I'm genuinely happy for you Nick but I wish it hadn't resulted in your releasing records so insipid they make Val Doonican sound like he's been snorting ketamine from the naked backside of a teenage Moroccan rent boy before settling down in the Black Rocking Chair and unleashing a coded hymn to the Lord of the Flies.
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At least in the face of all this stultifying goodness there are some soulless devils out there still devoting studio time to the dark one and the perversely satisfying activities that will eventually lead us unto Him. Glenn Danzig, first with the Misfits and now solo, has built a career upon informing us of the pleasures to be found in the dark side. Never has devilishness sounded more entertaining or desirable, nor sentiments such as 'demon I am and faces I peel' ('Skulls') and 'sweet lovely death, I am waiting for your breath' ('Last Caress') so life affirming. Bring it on Glenn. And if this sounds like they're nottaking this evil thing all that seriously well all to the good; taking all this nonsense too seriously can only lead to foolishness such as the occasional murder and church burning as practised by the more extreme examples of the Nordic black metal branch of Lucifer's followers. Or indeed condemning line dancing for its sinful qualities. That said after another pointless day accomplishing nothing I'll continue to take some solace in the praises of beer drinking and hell raising sung by Satan's sonic minions rather than the asinine bleating of Sir Cliff and his like.
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HAIL SATAN!
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