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The Vacuum - Issue 16 - Satan spacer The Vacuum - Issue 16 - Satan
Entrances to Hell
by Dr. Rae Gates
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Rule 1: It may be an obvious thing to say but NEVER try to go inside an Entrance to Hell. Rule 2: Always approach an entrance on your stomach. Rule 3: Don't shout at the devil (not even with good news). Rule 4: Wear rubber gloves for 3 or 4 days after your visit.
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Thassoo, Taunton, Somerset Thassoo is the entrance from which the devil's remote-controlled clouds are released. It is also a breeding site for circus performers. Thassoo gives off the feeling known as autumnal melancholy. See also sister entrance Oh.
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Fwoahh, Alnwick, Northumberland Fwoahh doesn't know much, but it knows what it likes. It smells of a day on the river, shows symptoms of metal fatigue and famously has an unreliable alarm bell. Twister McShannon, of Leicester University, spent a year monitoring Fwoahh from the inside of a delivery van hoping to interview and photograph Satan for his crime-pamphlet. Tragically, both he and the van were unintentionally melted by Fwoahh's death ray due to an administrative failure.
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Sasa Sasa, Leeds, Yorkshire The devil's granny was very fond of Sasa sasa. So much so that she embedded the physical elements of her being in the surrounding clay for a period of 9000 years following her initial enlargement ceremony. Assisted by Slippen, this entrance continues to generate scandalous new swear-words for those humans who dwell outside of Society. Sasa sasa is a popular source of margarine for cable-zombies.
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Poccher, Dornoch, Sutherland Every time Poccher emits one of its high-pitched cries, somewhere in the UK a flower dies. The people who live inside your water pipes are very likely to have emerged from this entrance in the outflux of 1951. Poccher knows no limits and has no regrets to speak of.
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Bruke, Eastbourne, Sussex Bruke exits directly on to a little-used beach on the south coast and so will usually only be used by the devil during the summer holidays. Satan prefers a pebble beach because it allows for a quick getaway when urgent events crop up unexpectedly. Cleaning sand from the legs and feet would only cause potentially disastrous delays. Bill Masheen in the Lake District offers the very pleasant alternative of a woodland walking break.
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Camexoti, Margate, Kent Camexoti is used for sending out legions of bad children who will swarm into schools all over the UK to promote violence, dishonesty and vandalism amongst the regular pupils. Protected by the red angel Dashkarram (who has much firepower) Camexoti has caused centuries of worry for the monks of Bersgedd Minor who will always be unable to locate this place because of mnemonic distortions. Peter D'Lurio invented Drum and Bass here.
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54, Darlington, Co Durham Reserved specifically for use in wartime, 54 can be submerged in three seconds and has barriers of thick steel in the approach corridors. Since mediaeval times the monks of Bersgedd Minor have focussed their assaults on the devil mainly here at 54, except during heavy rain, when they would prefer to attack the much less important Little Elwick. 54's tunnels to the Core have never been mapped, even by The Rice-Makers Dictatum.
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Banu, Dorchester, Dorset Banu has become a dangerous place since being upgraded in 1999. It now forms an intersection between the flat universe and the bevelled universe. For humans this means that Banu drinks the spirit, halves the mind, and causes stomach problems. If you really must visit, dress in foil and go gently. Sir Thomas Greenbury, the Elizabethan financier, made several 4-dimensional images of Banu.
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http://www.entrances2hell.co.uk/
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