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The Vacuum - Issue 18 - Waste spacer The Vacuum - Issue 18 - Waste
Mr Bloomer's Toilet Workshop
by Paddy Bloomer
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Bazelgette like engineers today was always up for a bit of a project which is probably why he favoured mixing shit with water and sending it through ornate underground tunnels. Whilst I can see the appeal of such capers human waste is better handled dry. Composting will render safe, harmful pathogens germs and sweet corn. Your turds are valuable don't throw them away. But a gentleman does not shit in a bucket; a church of excrement can be easily erected with materials gathered from skips and stolen from building sites. Basic joinery skills are required but with the correct apparatus installed much satisfaction can be derived from the act of defecation. A well designed receptacle will take account of several features:
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Throne type toilets were invented by the Victorians about 150 years ago who believed that sitting was a respectable thing to do, this type of toilet is still only used by a quarter of the world's population and for the luxury of a seat, decent western folk risk among other ailments bowel cancer, haemorrhoids and toiletborne heart attack.
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Science will only work given the right conditions; the carbon nitrogen mix (C/N) should be 30:1. To achieve this a dry material, high in carbon such as straw or sawdust should be added, approximately on hatful per item of manure is about right. A coarse material will create air pockets allowing aerobic decomposition.
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Micro-organisms, enzymes, bacilli, bocci, spirilla, mesophilic and thermophilic bacteria, actinomycetes protozoa, rotifers fungi nematodes and earthworms. Moisture content must be kept below 60% other wise bad science may occur (noxious fumes, rude noises, new species etc.).
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The pit should be as deep as possible of a uniform shape and have good straight sides even if no one can see it there is no excuse for sloppy work. The bottom of the hole should be above the water table and not liable to flooding. As well as avoiding boggy areas, the apparatus must be positioned to ensure a good view.
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A long drop is important and the fall line should be free of obstructions. The greater the length of drop means the user can be more confident when lowering a rope that nothing will climb up it. When the user ascends on to a high platform they are engendered with a greater sense of pride in their workmanship, which will in the end produce a better product.
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The squat position is anatomically superior as it ensures a prompt evacuation by avoiding constriction of the sigmoid colon or shitepipe as it passes the puborrectalis, the squatter is the only sensible configuration for high duty applications where toilet seats quickly become contaminated.
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Adequate ventilation is key when operating a digestive system in a confined a space, a stiff breeze will carry harmful fumes away from the respiratory system of the punter and make docking manoeuvres difficult for flies.
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Background music relaxes the bowel and mind Classic fm is recommended, many users found that Henry Kelly's voice has a mild laxative effect.
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Top Belgian scientists have proven that squat toilets reduce toilet paper usage by up to 50%.
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