Bloomer & Keogh Investigate spacer Issue 9
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate
Bloomer and Keogh Go On Holidays. Lovely.
We're off to Portugal via Bristol because it's cheaper than getting the bus to Dublin.
Lovely Things On Our Journey:
  • Father and son team in driving game booth.
  • Girl who looks like she's from Bombay.
  • Spilling so many sausage roll crumbs that you feel proud.
  • Same father and son team on Jet Ski simulation game.
  • The man working the x-ray machine says you could go through it 90 times before you'd get any radiation.
  • The woman on the airport intercom sounds lovely and understanding.
  • I'm sure yellow chlorine cubes taste lovely.
  • Fancy casters.
  • Breaking the chocolate casing in a galaxy muffin and not buying it.
  • Being in the sky going on holidays.
  • Sick bags with don't be sick come to click on them.
  • Girls with orange skin.
  • Emperor's new cloths fashion mullet.
  • 4 delicious scotch eggs made to an original Miller recipe- served piping hot. Blue flavoured ice pops.
  • Reading other peoples magazines through the gap between the seats.
  • Gumption cleaning products.
  • The old rathriland jump.
  • Tearing ticket stubs along the perforations.
  • Travelling at over 400mph in a lighter than air machine.
  • German made wire cutters
  • The top of a still blanket of clouds.
  • Farting kebab'y farts from Bournemouth to the Bay of Biscay.
  • Hoping some blue ice falls on the good people of Plymouth.
Not So Lovely Things On Our Journey:
  • Paul Rankin's sunbed tanned Prozac face is causing us both distress.
  • Michael Bolton is not lovely.
  • Wanting to knaw your own legs of to prevent deep vein thromboses.
  • The person behind us making disapproving honks.
Design Classics:
Artificial Heart Valve:
Pissing on the flush flap of the stainless steal toilets is very therapeutic and I marvel at the groundbreaking invention of the artificial heart valve.
The AK47:
The AK47 like the Ferguson tractor is a symbol of freedom and rightly so. Why not smash a whiskey bottle off the wall and shout revolution! at home today.
The Perfect Terrier:
People who devote their whole lives developing and refining such revolutionary products surely deserve a place in heaven. The reverent Jack Russell would have jumped out of the bath and ran down the street naked, had he not have been a man of god, when he discovered the perfect terrier recipe:
1. Cleverness.
2. Good power to weight ratio.
3. Brazen cheek.
4. Fearlessness.
5. Short manageable hair, we can cut tail off later.
T20 Tractor:
Harry Ferguson was the first man to fly in Ireland and I bet no one looked at him funny for getting on a plane with oily hands. He also invented the T20 tractor witch was to revolutionise agriculture. Many are still in use today and are the favoured transport of refugees the world over.
The Custard Cream Biscuit:
The custard cream biscuit, a sweet and tasty treat to raise morale in times of hardship. This biscuit contains no rationed ingredients and therefore is taxed as a necessary and not a luxury, Unlike boasters and chocolate hob-nobs. Custard creams retail for about 19 pence.
The Grifter:
The grifter was a bmx before any one had heard of one, virtually indestructible and equipped with the Sturmey Archer planetary gearing system, this is where the grifter distinguishes itself from the bmx which has no gears and therefore is the bicycle of choice for Neanderthals, luddites and the under evolved. Bmx operators grow up. New evidence has recently come to light which suggest that the Vietcong used grifters to transport supplies and ammunition over rough terrain to guerrilla troops.
When we got to Bristol we had an over night wait for our connecting flight. We didn't want to leave the airport in case anything bad happened so our mate Rachel came and brought us some of the finer things in life and we had a picnic. Country food Kebabs and home grown chillies. Butter cup syrup and Jamison whisky. hum hum hum humhum.. Rachel has brought a few of our favourite things. Rachel's brilliant. Rach saw a dog get stung on its big wet nose by a wasp and it swolle up like a big balloon and it took three injections before it was all right. I saw a golden Labrador get bit on the nose by a crab and its bum hole looked like the end of one of those sausage rolls we ate as it yelped off down the beach. Rachel says that off bacon is best for crab fishing and you catch loads of them. But in Birkenhead she bought a humungus crab for £1.75 that could feed three cats and was cheaper than a packet of off bacon and the crab line put together.
A Poem
by Bloomer and Keogh
When the dog bites, when the
bed stings, when I'm feeling
sad I simply remember my
favourite things, and little by
little my heavy heart sings
Dogs eating wasps and dis-
posable nappies, scrap copper
boilers and piles of car bat-
teries, hot foreign food burn-
ing my ring, these are a few
of my favourite things.
Girls in white track suits,
with orange satin sashes,
souped up novas and bum-
fluff moustaches, smelly
white fridge's fit for the bins,
these are a few of my
favourite things.
Cream coloured cats like
skinny wee monkeys, eating
half raw poison sausages
from three legged donkeys,
city based pigeons with puke
on their wings, these are a
few of my favourite things.
Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - Bloomer and Keogh Go On Holidays - Lovely
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